BOLO! The Domestic Olympics are Coming for You

Cristian Tarzi for Unsplash

So, on another dead, gray winter day, when I got tired of reading, working on the Times Crossword Puzzle, and overeating (as if) I resorted to random t.v. viewing. I refused to watch the news, so after clicking through at least 300 networks I’d never heard of, I found myself watching the trials for the next Winter Olympics.

I’m never deliberately going to slide down an ice-filled tube, zip downhill from a mountaintop, or dress in glitter and a teensy skirt while making twirly-whirlies on the ice. However, the longer I watched, the more it occurred to me that real life mirrors the Winter Olympics in many ways. Olympic events have many domestic counterparts. You have probably competed in some of these contests yourselves.

SKI JUMP

For some unknown reason, contestants ski down a ramp, become airborne, and attempt to fly the greatest distance without crashing and breaking major bones.

PEE JUMP

Two unsuspecting, over-60 feline owners anticipate and jump over puddles of cat pee without either falling or getting their feet wet. Due to our trio of cats, the Difficulty Factor is increased by three.

LUGE

One or two contestants lie on their backs on a small sled, feet first, and attempt the fastest speed down a curving…