Member-only story
Don’t you Dare Touch My Humps!
No, not my humps. You weren’t supposed to touch them before Me Too, and you’re definitely not touching them after. No, these humps are the ones that Fergie and the Black-Eyed Peas sing about in their 2005 release, “My Humps.” When I say “don’t touch them,” I mean don’t disparage that song, which I consider a modern classic.
You need to know that I am not only uncool, but profoundly uncool. If you look up “goody-goody” in the dictionary, my face is the illustration. People who have known me for all of five minutes press their lips together and stop swearing. I remind them of one combined, universal grandma. Therefore, I’m obliged to explain how one of the Top Ten most uncool people in the country became a superfan of “My Humps.”
This is a true story.
One December, long ago, upon a midnight dreary, I was toiling over our annual Christmas letter. After two decades of trying to be original, my mental cup had stopped runneth-ing over. What to do? Procrastinate, by watching everything possible online. I have no idea how I settled on American Greetings® Christmas e-cards, but I found myself watching red and green plaid backgrounds, Santas, and endless elves slide across the…
